we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
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I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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