just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
