I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize