do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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