You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
