Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?