Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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