i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
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I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies