Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
