I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
