You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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