When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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