He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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