The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
