My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
