He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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