Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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