just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
