What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
