I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How does one acquire holy water?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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