I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
