If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
