you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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