the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
