There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
