she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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