WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
