I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
