I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
