playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
