Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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