Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
