i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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