So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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