need another drink. this is the easiest way
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
