help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
