Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
