I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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