drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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