I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
