i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
