I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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