U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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