MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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