I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
