I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
