At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
