Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
