i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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