I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
