I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
