he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
