Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
