did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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