remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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