i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
