I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
