That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
