Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
