Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
