my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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