we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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